Emotional Immaturity and Compulsive Behavior

I want what I want when I want it, but I will not humiliate myself in order to get it.

I am emotionally immature. When I stick to my Weight Watchers points for a while and resist the urge to chow down on crap, my mind immediately seizes upon another way to placate the compulsion monster residing inside me. I can buy something I shouldn't! I can avoid my homework! I can chintz out on a commitment!

Last week, I lied to my sponsor. I wanted to skip a commitment, so I lied. And on Saturday, I had a terrible dream about relapsing. When I woke up, I realized that being dishonest was almost as bad as drinking. I was putting myself in as much danger. On Sunday, I wrote to my sponsor and told her the truth. I didn't hear back from her yesterday and figured that she was writing to her sponsors, thinking, and praying about what to do. She wrote back today and said that she can't be my sponsor anymore; that she can't be my Truth Cop. She is asking for one year of honesty. I feel sad, but I see why we have to break it off.

Do I find a new sponsor and a new home group? Do I keep going to my old home group? My sobriety anniversary is coming up on the 14th... I don't know if I want to sit through my home group's tradition with things as they are. (My home group has one person present the medallion to the birthday boy/girl, then the whole group passes it around and says something to the birthday boy/girl, and finally, the birthday boy/girl tells how they did it.) It's a wonderful tradition... do I go in AGAIN and admit how hard the past year has been? Do I talk AGAIN about how difficult it still is for me to be rigorously honest? About how unimaginable it is to me that I'll be able to remain rigorously honest for a YEAR?!?

Bleah.

I am afraid to live on God's terms. I can't jump.