Long Time No Blog

Why haven't I blogged in a few weeks?

• My birthday - Last year my birthday was awful; I had some of the same feelings this year and didn't want to blog about them.


• Schoolwork - Mondo amounts of homework and two presentations due last weekend


• Depression - Blah blah blah


• Illness - My husband gave me a cold (One of my AA buds said, "Don't say he never gave you anything!")

Things are looking up... The end of the semester is almost here, my presentations are complete, I made a dent in my backlog of homework, and the depression has lifted.

Right now I'm in a coffee shop near my therapist's office. I'm having a breakfast focaccia and just chilling. Not sure what has changed and going into another depression scares me. I don't like the feeling of slipping down; what's worse, the mean girl in my head starts disparaging me.

One of the presentation I did involved two other students... our group was well-prepared, our PowerPoint was beautiful, and we kept it short (especially in comparison to the other groups). In celebration, we went out for sushi on Saturday night. So much fun. All three of us are sober and going into the same field (Alcohol & Drug Counseling). I'm 40, "Ari" is in his 50s, and "Julie" is 27.

Julie and I have bonded. We have similar personalities and senses of humor... She is hilarious! And what a knockout. Slim, olive skin, and long, straight dark hair. Her face reminds me of Anime... She can get that doe-eyed sad look and the crazy wall-eyed look... I keep looking for an example of the wall-eyed look on the Internet. The look I'm describing is a tooth-clenching grimace with eyes going in two different directions... Does anyone know what I mean? I probably sound nuts. ::sigh::

Well, I gotta eat my focaccia. Hugs to everyone; especially those of you who wrote when I was absent.

JO

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Topic Meeting, Funk, and Gratitude

Went to a 10:30 am topic meeting today; we talked about a story in the Grapevine about a guy who got sober behind bars. His message was that one need not be "free" in order to work the steps; that the program is available to all, no matter where they are.

I shared about how -- when I was in treatment -- there were rumors about someone using meth in the facility. I was so angry; I thought how dare she screw with my sobriety? I refrained from gossiping in treatment, so I kept these thoughts to myself. The following morning I woke up and realized that no one need "screw with my sobriety," that whether my drug of choice was sitting right in front of me, or 20 miles across town, I had to make the decision to stay sober. Alcohol is available everywhere -- even in jail, in the hospital, in treatment -- and the only way I could be completely cut off from my drug of choice would be if I were taped up inside a cardboard box. And if I were in that cardboard box, would I truly be sober? Nope. I have to have the choice.

I also shared about this funk I've been in... It went away for a few days, but it's back.

My fellow meeting-goers talked about going to more meetings, sponsoring women, taking a daily inventory, and increasing my conscious contact with my higher power.

I've been going to more meetings, but I have not been doing the rest. They sound like good ideas.

One day at a time.

Thanks to Jenn for reminding me to be grateful. I'm grateful...

• ...that I allowed myself to be silly at the coffee shop today; they offered 10 cents off if you sung your favorite song. I sung Feel Like Makin' Love by Bad Company. They gave me 20 cents off.
• ...that I told the truth at my 10:30 am meeting; I got some good suggestions.
• ...that my husband is standing by me in my funk.
• ...for my puppies.
• ...for the blogosphere.
• ...that I'm sober today.
• ...for that tiny shred of hope that things will get better
• ...that I have a medication appointment on Thursday.
• ...that I have the opportunity to learn.

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Late Meeting & Early Meeting

I went to a 10:30 p.m. meeting last night -- doing the 90 in 90 thing and needed an extra meeting to make up for missing one on Wednesday -- it was a candlelight meeting in downtown Minneapolis. I felt a little antsy at first, but ended up chilling out and enjoying the darkness. The topic was spirituality; I talked about the miracle I experienced earlier this week with 9th step amends and seeing an old friend at Best Buy.

This morning, I went to an early meeting at my favorite St. Paul spot. We read the story of Bill D. (AA #3). I saw an old AA friend and made tentative plans to take my sweet puppy (the 2 y.o. male) to her house to meet her kids. After the meeting, I met with my temporary sponsor and had coffee. She's really cool; we have a lot in common. She suggested mentioning to my med doc -- I'm meeting with a new one on Thursday -- getting tested for ADD. I'm not convinced, but she said some stuff that I agree with.

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